What is marriage? According to the Oxford dictionary, is “the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship.” Although we can technically define what marriage is on paper, most of us have different views or approaches on HOW to make a marriage thrive and prosper. Also noted, this sacred union isn’t always exclusive to just couples of the opposite sex. There are many same sex couples in our society today so, we want to acknowledge their presence as well. So, if most of us have different views or approaches then, how do we figure out who’s right or what’s right? Do the strategies and tips that one couple has used for over thirty years of marriage mean that, those same tools work for a couple that’s just starting out? The FIT Therapist has had this discussion with six amazing couples, including her very own. The couples on the panel have been together from just a few years, all the way up to over thirty years of experience.
Marriage can be a beautiful experience for couples if done right but, doing it right can quite often come from the experiences of ‘doing it wrong.’ Finding Inner Transformation is extremely fitting for this type of relationship because almost everyone who has experienced a marriage knows that they quite often, start off as novices. Bringing two novices up to the level of expert requires commitment to something that is greater than either of the individuals involved. They transform their relationship into something even more beautiful than many expected.
The FIT Therapist opens up with a point of discussion that addresses the fact that, people are constantly evolving and maturing. There’s a saying that has floated around, “most people leave a marriage before the state of maturity.” Basically, before a person or persons have a chance to mature in certain kinds of behaviors that they ‘need’ to become successful partners in the relationship.
With over seven billion souls on the planet, how do couples know that they’ve found their ideal partner? It goes without saying, that in most discussions about how couples come together, physical attraction tops the chart. Other times, people create some sort of internal narrative on what they deem as attractive outside of the physical being. Pen pals as example, rely heavily on other attributes because the physical isn’t available. One couple’s partner described their attraction as the result of their partner’s confidence and persistence while their other half described trust as the biggest factor in securing the deal between them. It isn’t to disregard or minimize the point that confidence and trust aren’t important but to acknowledge that these traits were higher on the priority list for them.
One couple had a pretty novel idea…pre-marital counseling. Now why haven’t the majority of us thought about that?!! The couple explained that there was a lot of psycho-education in their counseling and some of the areas of focus were that of love languages. It’s an understatement to mention that people are simply…different, and in those differences, come a multitude of communication styles that must be addressed. As example, many men express (or communicate) differently than their female counterparts. That doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with the couple but, that also doesn’t mean that effective communication exists between them. Learning about one another’s love language can certainly be a game changer. Couples often fight about finances, how to raise their family, and the good ol’ sex life. Pre-marital counseling can assist with gaining an understanding with all of those factors and give you the tools that will give you an edge over a marriage that hasn’t had the counseling.
Marriages have been analyzed since their very existence began and in days of the past, gender roles played a huge part. We also know that those gender roles within the marriages have a direct relationship with the progression of gender roles within the society that the marriage exists. Seems like it was less confusion in the yesteryears because a ‘typical’ marriage of the time, closely mirrored the norms of the day. But now, society doesn’t exactly stick to that mindset. It’s just as permitted for a man of the household to cook and clean just as much as it’s acceptable for the woman of the house to tune up the family car or take out the trash. The challenge doesn’t necessarily come from society at this point, but how the dynamic works within the relationship. Can the couple effectively accept the roles that they deem appropriate within the marriage and how do their belief systems play into that?
How does faith apply within a marriage? There’s a saying, “a family that prays together, stays together.” Spirituality can have a major impact on the success of marriages but, what about the couples that only have one partner guided by a spiritual belief system or another couple that doesn’t have a belief system amongst either party? These are valid discussions to be had between couples and the FIT Therapist discusses this topic with a couple on the panel.
Often times, we usually gravitate to something that we are familiar with and that familiarity comes from past experiences. So, let’s consider the fact that not all past experiences are pleasant. Now, input two possibly different people, with different histories, coming together in union, with the expectation of moving forward in the same space. That can be very challenging especially when you consider the fact that some people’s childhood or previous relationships were full of hurt and pain. No matter how you spin it, these past experiences can fester out of control if not addressed and/or discussed in a safe manner for the couple.
Some couples are better equipped than others for several reasons. One of the reasons could be as one couple on the panel explained, and that was due to one of them being previously married. Just because one partner was previously married doesn’t mean that the current marriage will be successful but, if the previously married partner can capitalize on self-identified ‘errors’, then this may give the current relationship the edge that it needs to be thriving.
Please tune in to Fit Chat Chit Chat to hear the complete discussion on Making the Love Happen.
